Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
