1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
i hooked up with all four beatles on halloween get on my level
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