So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
