Rock
Scissors
Fuck
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
