I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
