today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
did you know gatorade and rum go really good together
Are you doing depressed science again
maybe
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
