Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
I think I'm goin to jail but either way I had a blast.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
You went into the bathroom, got in the tub with a pillow, yelled "this isn't as comfortable as it looks in the movies" then passed out
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