looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize
