So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
Randomize
