you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
the guy next to me needed a pen, so I let him take one from my book bag. my panties are now being passed around the class...thank you for telling me you hid them in my bookbag.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
This is why i like single justin better. my only regret is not being present for more of his short life. may he rest in peace
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
You know I was thinking and I've never seen a penis in a whirlpool before
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
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