If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
We got caught fucking on the couch while I was in my Godzilla onesie.
you said it was a life or death situation, being your partner for beer pong doesn't count
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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