dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Some kid just popped open a giant PBR and walked into his final...
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
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