I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.
Well... I doubt that.
Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Randomize
