If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
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uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
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Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins