If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
16 People Who Have Raised The Bar For Petty Revenge
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Here’s Why Hotel Photos On Travel Websites Are A Complete Hoax
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.