grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
