In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Randomize
