I wish I could teleport
My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
