There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
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