he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT
WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO
I was giving him a handjob in the woods and a family walked by
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
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