Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
Randomize
