time to smoke my breakfast
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
So i was told that i peed in the sink, had sex with a pillow and banged on a washer while singing idian chants
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
I feel like you're the reason public nudity is illegal and generally frowned upon in society
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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