Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Yeah I know my dick is weird, but I've surprisingly had a lot of fun with it.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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