you win again, gameday.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
As we were passing the joint around, people were dunking Jenga pieces in Vaseline and sticking them to the window. I also smoked weed with a girl that was in an above the influence commercial.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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