do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.
RUDE.
I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.
outsmarted mickey deeeees
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
