oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
the cops accepted 42 wallaby way Sydney. and the cops, and cab driver accepted the new address. please tell the win i am experiencing
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
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