So I'm eating my burger minding my own business, when the guy next to me starts up a conversation. Seemed normal at first, stocks, bonds, etc...then he said...and I quote "I can push a bowling-ball up a flight of stairs with my tongue." As I awkwardly laughed he broke out "I bet you I could bite the head off of a rabbit."
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
