Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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