yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
there is glitter all over my balls
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
