If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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