This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
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Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
We were fucking while the tv was on, and one of those animal cruelty commercials came on. We then switched over and started doing it doggy style. It was then that I realized that I'm going to hell.
Best orgasm I ever had! I though we totally connected and I asked him to stay over. He went back to the sigma chi house and returned with his blankie and a 40. please help
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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