were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I just realized. I havent even gotten a paycheck from this new job yet and already laid one of the girls most of the dudes are after
Randomize
