My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER
So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
I know you can't find me. Somehow I ended up on the roof smoking a cig with the strippers that are on break. Way too drunk to deal with this right now.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
