I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ahha guy saw me buying beer, went "hmmmmm" and nodded his head approvingly. No words exchanged, but he has made his way to my heart haha
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Randomize
