There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
Randomize
