its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
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