What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?
These are the tickets we got last night.
Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?
Yes...yes you did.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
