i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
now I regret adding my aunt on facebook. she remnded me today on my wall about the importance of checking my stools for blood since I have diaherria.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
Randomize
