I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
