Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."
Let's do it. All homo
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Let it be known that on this day, the 26th of October, in the year 2016, I successfully put both of his balls in my mouth at once.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
