I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Her name starts with A and ends with whore.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Randomize
