I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
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I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
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He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
However, you did manage to order seven different drinks while fingering her at the packed bar - it was like watching the pizza men pound the dough in the windows
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
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