Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
