I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Randomize
