My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
As I took my shirt off he commented on how great my boobs where. I responded with "thanks, I grew them myself"
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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