I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
Randomize
