I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
You will drink beer in a kiddie pool in your back yard but you wont bring a girl home
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
