onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
So anyways, we returned the toilet paper and decided to use the money for taco bell and slurpees instead...
I woke up under a house in Key West
Randomize
