im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
RICK BROUGHT THE HOT BARTENDER HOME. SOMEONE CALL THE FIRE DEPARTMENT, CUZ RICKYS ON FIIIIIIIRE.
lmao nvm she punched him in the face and left
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
still drunk on my way to class to give my presentation on the negative affects of alcohol on the body. hell yes.
It seems I've entered my 21st birthday the same way I entered this world: naked, crying and smothered in someone else's bodily fluids...
Randomize
