the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
