Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
