shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
Pat told us he showed us his penis because he's "a nice guy".
Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
DO NOT TOUCH THE SOAP ITS HAD SOME UNORTHODOX USES WITHIN THE PAST 15 HOURS
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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