those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
I mean i might have to drop this class tomorrow. I just walked into a midterm
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
