Jerry, you need to find god
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
oh yeah I'm gonna practice throwing up so I can be ready for Friday night. and Saturday. Beth is back, diaper and all.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
After you took the handle off the bathroom door I had to coach the Scottish guy sitting on the toilet, throwing up in his own lap, how to put his pants back on. Yes, I think he won the drinking game.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I just bought a mini nerf gun so he could make a bowl out of it, I deserve the fuck buddy of the year award!
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