she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
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